“She has to be able to cook.” “He needs to be romantic – I want a big, ridiculous proposal.” “She has to get along with my boys; my people have to like her.” “He needs to be God-fearing…and not a cheater!” What are the non-negotiable traits on your Potential Husband or Potential Wife lists?
Not-great dating situations have a way of making you reevaluate what’s really important in a long-term relationship. Whenever one ends, you run back to your list, cross off things that actually don’t matter (He has to be sexy as hell) and add things that do matter (He has to be generous with his time and affection; kind, loving, close to his family). Scribble out things you thought were important (She needs to have a body like Beyonce and a butt like Kim K) and pen in things that are (she’s got to be loyal, trustworthy, smart).
So yesterday, I was Facebook surfing and came across The Wife List – 10 Qualities of a Good Future Wife – over at GoodGuySwag.com. The whole list is good stuff (so you should go read it) but some of the ones I especially liked were – 1) she shares your beliefs, 2) she makes you a better man, 3) she’s smart, 4) she loves you unconditionally, and 5) she gets along with your family and friends.
Then, I found The Husband List (from the wife of goodguyswag) highlighting some non-negotiable for a potential husband- including 1) God is the center of his life, 2) he has integrity and does not put himself in tempting situations, 3) he is slow to anger, 4) he is honorable of your heart and emotional well-being, and 5) he pursues and loves you passionately.
So all that said- what are your non-negotiable traits for your future wife or husband? Things that you absolutely refuse to compromise on? Drop them in the comments section below – if we have enough similarties, maybe we can come up with an ultimate spouse list. Oyaaa, lessgoo 😉
[Update: If you’re married already, you have wisdom to share – tell us a few of the traits that you have discovered to be critical to your successful marriage]
9 Comments
My list is still growing o, and changes with each new dating “situation” but a few non-negotiables on my “Future Husband” list that have come up from the last year of romantic adventures include:
1) He has to be about something – driven, working on something. A man with no plan as to how he’s going to feed his family is no bueno.
2) He has to be generous with himself – like make time for me, friends, family, new experiences, etc. A man who is stingy with himself – only doing what he wants – is selfish and also, no bueno.
3) He has to be sexy as hell. lol just kidding. He’s got to be flexible. Like my best friends. We can talk about music and hip hop in one moment, and talk about politics and business in the next. We can go to a basketball game and have fun on the sidelines, or go to a black tie affair for his job and have a good time chatting it up with different people. Outside of the romance, we have to be able to vibe on many levels. Yup, that’s a must.
Great post! I second that I desire an ambitious spouse who’s pursuing God. He must also be proactive when it comes to problem-solving (anticipating them and taking initiative to handle them) and reliable (his follow-thru is key, especially when it comes to his plans)
I like all the responses so far! Yes oooooo he must be ambitious aka a hustler, God fearing, and the friendship requirement is a must ooooo 🙂
Amen ooo Lola you said how I feel. I’ve also added and edited my list after an interesting adventure in love. My non-negotiables are (1) wants a family which includes children; (2)is trustworthy and has eyes for me only, (3) has a relationship with God, (4) is patient, (5)loves me unconditionally, (6) is employed and works hard in whatever domain it may be,(7) is willing to try new things, and last but not least (8) supportive of my dreams and aspirations.
I agree with your list Lola. It is very important for a spouse to have ambition/drive. He cannot be content with just doing any old job. He needs to aspire to want the best for himself and his future family. Also, he needs to be empathetic to your needs. This means that he not only listens to you but he “hears” you. If he hears you, then he’ll want to do right by you. However, as a wife, you need to be able to do the same. Religion is another big item for me. My husband and I have always prayed together every night since the first time we spoke on the phone. I truly believe that our faith is what shapes our relationship. Another great trait is that your future husband needs to have respect for you. If a man truly has a respect for his spouse, then he would not want to look elsewhere or do anything to hurt her. Most importantly, your future husband needs to want the same type of future. He’s not your future husband if he never wants to get married (unless you’re ok with that as well). She’s not your future wife if she doesn’t want children and you do. Its important to iron this out early on in the beginning of getting to know that person.
What’s ironic about your article is that prior to meeting my husband, I wrote down traits that I wanted in a husband, placed it in my bible, and did not look at that list again for months after I started dating my husband. My list contained qualities and traits as oppose to superficial stuff like the body build, hair color, all 10 toes etc. Once you’ve kissed enough useless frogs, you tend to focus on the on what’s important in life. I’m happy to report that I was blessed with a husband who exceeded my list (and yes, he has all 10 toes).
Ok – for some reason it’s hard to put together a non-negotiable list because some things all depend on circumstances (i.e., must have a great relationship with his family). What if you are in a homosexual relationship and your family disowned you? That’s the only reason why I think some important things can be negotiable. But anyway – yes, I’m long-winded. Here we go…for me, I need someone who is:
1) TRUSTWORTHY: If there’s no trust then there’s NO relationship at all.
2) LOVING: I need a man who knows what love is. Whether you have experienced it at home with your parents, siblings, previous relationships, etc. You need to know what love is and love yourself before you even think about trying to love me.
3) GREAT RELATIONSHIP WITH FAMILY: No, I’m not contradicting my intro statement, but my current boyfriend has a wonderful relationship with his family and it shows me that he will be able to care for the family that we plan on building together. I had a previous boyfriend who did NOT have a good relationship with his family and he was the worst!
4) AMBITIOUS: I need a go-getter. Someone is always thinking ahead, planning and working to obtain his goals. I’m not saying you have to aspire to be the richest person in the world but you should be inspired to get the MOST out of life.
5) MISCELLANEOUS: Intelligent, Funny, Laugh at my stupid jokes, give me compliments, buy me gifts once in a while, work with me to build a future, love, honor and respect me!
6) SPIRITUAL-AWARENESS: We don’t necessarily need to be of the same religious background, but you need to believe in God and have respect for his laws and nature.
Lola, I love your non-negotiables! Those are definitely on my non-negotiable list as well. The list below consists of my non-negotiable traits and the traits that have glued my husband and I together as best friends for the past 11 years.
EDUCATED AND AMBITIOUS: He has to be educated. This is where my attraction to a man actually begins. He has to have goals in life and go after them. I once read a quote somewhere that says: “A man without ambition is worse than dough that has no yeast in it to raise it.”
BELIEVE IN GOD: I wouldn’t even know how to connect with a man that doesn’t believe in God let alone make him the head of my household. The biggest peace of mind that I have in this world is knowing that there is an almighty God that my husband and I can call on, lean on, run to, and pray to, no matter what gets thrown our way.
LOVE: Love, Love, Love! For me, the foundation of my marriage has to be deeply rooted in Love. He has to be crazy about me, and me crazy about him. We have to get along very well and enjoy each other’s company very much. Like you, getting along with my partner and being able to vibe on many levels is a “must” for me. No Love, no marriage. I wouldn’t even waste my time dating a guy if I don’t think he’s crazy in love with me. Not negotiable.
SELFLESSNESS: This needs to be the cornerstone of every marriage! He has to not just be selfless with his money but with his time. I believe a selfless man is a very caring man. He will not just listen to you but hear you. Being selfless takes a lot of maturity in a man, and so many men unfortunately do not know how to acquire this trait. I wouldn’t last one year with my husband if he was a selfish man…..period! Actually, I would have known that about him while we were dating and I would not have married him. This is absolutely non-negotiable.
SLOW TO ANGER: This is very important for me because I know I can be a handful sometimes…lol. I will not be able to marry a hot-tempered man. No matter how much in common we have, we most likely would not make it pass the dating stage. I know myself and I know that I will not be compatible with a man that gets angry so easily. So a man that’s easily angered, like you say, is no bueno.
RESPECT: This is a MUST. How does a man that doesn’t respect his wife honor the sanctity of their marriage? Marriage works so well when Love and Respect go hand in hand. I’ve always known since when I was a teenager that my husband must possess this trait. I’ve always believed that if my man truly loves me, he will respect me. This is unequivocally non-negotiable.
FIDELITY: This is huge on my non-negotiable list. He has to be faithful to me like I am to him. There are too many sexual transmitted diseases out there for me to tolerate a cheating dog for a husband. When a man cheats, he doesn’t just put his health and life in jeopardy, he puts his spouse’s well being on the line as well. Can’t do it. Wouldn’t do it.
SHARE SIMILAR LIFE GOALS: Are you both ready for marriage and when? Do you both want kids? Do you see eye to eye on how you are going to raise kids? These are some of the life goals that you both need to be in accord. If you believe in spanking your kids and he thinks that’s child abuse, you’ve got a problem. And so on. You have to become dream partners. It’s a lot easier to reach for something great if you are doing it together.
BEING ON THE SAME PAGE: This is critical to the success of a marriage. It is imperative to be on the same page financially, spiritually, and how you raise your children. Life will be much easier for you to both share similar goals and work on them together. This makes a marriage very strong.
PROVIDER: Even though I can get my own job and provide for myself, I do find it very attractive that my husband can provide for his family when necessary.
COMMUNICATION: I can’t stress how vital communication is to a thriving marriage. I didn’t know this until after a few years of marriage. I have really enjoyed my husband’s company since the moment we met. We lived in different states when we finally started dating, so we had so many 8-hour days on the phone. When we got married, even though we enjoy talking to each other so much, I had to learn how to communicate my feelings when I was upset about something and not just assume that he should know. Having a husband that is a good communicator definitely helps; and being open with each other about everything is important. If you don’t get along and communicate well with a guy while you are dating, that’s a red flag.
ROMANTIC: This is not necessary to have a successful marriage. It’s more of a personality thing. I’m a romantic, so I will gel more with a romantic guy. I also love a “chase”…..lol. I loved “playing hard to get” when I was single…lol. I believe that if a guy is crazy about you, he will chase you persistently. I don’t know if I would have eventually crossed this off my non-negotiable list, but it was still on it when I started dating my husband.
All of the above traits are of course a two-way street. You have to value each other very much. Marriage is a daily routine of both parties contributing positively to keep it going strong. I have been happily married for 11 years and we are still striving to bring the best out of each other all the time. Oh I have a few complaints about my wonderful husband and I’m sure he has a list for me….lol, but these complaints are definitely on the “negotiable” list. The good has to outweigh the bad BY FAR. This is the only way to have a happy marriage. To be honest, I don’t think an unhappy married life is worth settling for. Life is just too short for that. Surely, no man or woman is perfect, hence you will both have to work on having a great marriage but if you know yourself, and you have your core values in place, and stick to your non-negotiables, and of course with the grace God, you will not go wrong.
Sorry for the long note, but I have my “big sister” hat on and have to write it all. I didn’t want to leave out most of the important traits that have been working for me in my marriage.
Always be grateful to God. Always pray.
Love you coz!
BIG SIS HAS SPOKEN!!! LOVE IT
Auntie Bola, you dropped GEMS. I took all types of mental notes and that ambition quote was priceless.
I totally agree with not settling for an unhappy married life. Although it’s not what I want, and I know God knows I want to be a wife and mother, I would hold out before I marry the wrong person, someone who doesn’t make me happy, over marrying just to get married. Too many marriages I’ve seen where people are just going through the motions. “sticking in there for the sake of” kids, family, what the public would say, etc. That’s no way to live.